Paperwork Ninja Memories
by Goldenkizamu
Summary: Greatest stories never told. Update: The Ring!
1. Adventures in Caffeine

Paperwork Ninja: Memories

Every time you ask "what was that all about?" another plot bunny is born. Please do your part to control the pet population; have your plot bunnies fixed. Yeah, I mean you, Sei Mong.

This is the place for the story bits and pieces that don't have a place in the actual stories. Unless something deserves a place in the story, in which case it may appear as something other than an oblique allusion.

This takes place several years before the manga begins, and before the rest of the stories in the paperwork ninja continuity, when Iruka is about 18.

* * *

Iruka and Company  
in  
The Caffeine Withdrawal Episode

* * *

_A younger Umino Iruka, Master of the Perfect Henge, has been pulled from field duty due to side- effects of his advanced infiltration Jutsu. His ridiculously high security clearance and availability lands him in an office, doing paperwork for Morino Ibiki. Supposedly, the chief torturer's understanding of human nature will help him deal with Iruka's occasional episodes of forgetting he isn't undercover... i.e.report stealing, transforming himself into different people, and other erratic behavior. _

_Since Ibiki hates paperwork with a passion, he has quite a backlog to catch up on; he finds a willing worker in Iruka, who wants to escape his nightmares of being someone else. For weeks Ibiki has supplied Iruka with copious amounts of coffee to fuel long periods of paperwork disposal, only stopping when complete exhaustion ensures dreamless sleep. _

_Surprisingly, the exactingly precise yet often mind-numbing nature of the work has steadied the mind of the Henge Master. He no longer believes himself to be anyone except Iruka Umino, Chuunin of Konohagakure village. Ibiki is pleased with his progress, but is reluctant to let such an efficient paper-pusher and analyst out of his grasp, so he upped the dosage of coffee to keep Iruka from appearing completely sane when the Hokage came by to visit. _

_Unfortunately for Ibiki, this little arrangement has caught the attention of Kotetsu Hagane, Iruka's childhood friend, and Genma Shiranui, one of Iruka's former co-workers. They noticed Iruka's growing addiction and have received permission from the Hokage to put an end to it. _

**The First Night:**

"No coffee?" Iruka's question was very quiet, and only slightly twitchy. The coffee pot had only been taken away an hour ago, and his last double shot was still carrying him, though not for much longer.

"No coffee. You don't need the coffee." Genma told him firmly.

"Ibiki gives me coffee." Iruka pointed out.

"Ibiki is an idiot whose been using caffeine to turn you into an unsleeping automaton." Kotetsu put in. "We're going to help you put down the coffee cup."

"Huh?"

"We're here to help."

"You want to help? Fine. Take this stack. Sort by country of origin, then by date within country." Iruka pushed one of the boxes he'd been putting off towards his two captors.

Genma hadn't been the one to argue with Ibiki, but now he saw why Kotetsu had wanted to remove Iruka from the file rooms. He already did enough paperwork without adding Ibiki's to the load. Ibiki had agreed reluctantly; it was Iruka who had refused to go with them. He claimed they did not have his best interests at heart, and refused to leave the building that was more a home than his apartment had become. "Oi.. This Sucks."

**The Second Night**

"He's too calm."

"I know."

"Did he get past us?"

Genma and Kotetsu were sitting together at the far end of the office, watching a happily humming and head-bobbing Iruka sort mission reports with a speed that would have frightened if they hadn't seen it the night before. He'd loosened up a bit after they'd spent most of the night sorting papers and even agreed to spend the night at Genma's apartment, which Raidou had emptied of all coffee products and other stimulants when Genma asked him.

"I didn't sense him leaving the guest room."

"He couldn't have gotten past the wards, could he?"

Further staring at Iruka.

"He probably could. He always did enjoy fiddly things, and he'd spend hours on them if need be."

"But I was sleeping across the doorway, and your damn box of an apartment only has windows in the living room and the bedroom where you sleep. We would have noticed if he'd teleported"

This time Iruka waved, returning their stares with a warm smile of contentment.

"Wait, didn't Ibiki give him a box of papers this morning?"

"Yeah, so?"

"It was tall enough to hold a cup or a thermos, you know."

"That bastard."

**The _Real_ First Night:**

"Please...?"

"No."

"Just a little, and tomorrow even less? Isn't that how you're supposed to do it?"

"Studies show that those who go cold turkey with help are less likely to take up another habit to distract themselves. So you're going cold turkey, with our help."

"You do realize that I hate you, Kotetsu."

"It wouldn't be the first time, Iruka."

**The Real Second Night:**

"I'm going to dip Genma in beef stock and give him to Kakashi-san's dogs for a chew toy. Then I'll find that Slug-Summoning contract and make sure Kotetsu can never bear to eat banana pudding again. And then I'll really start to get creative. I have all these pranks that I've always wanted to play on someone, but no one ever pissed me off enough. But for you two, I'll make an exception."

"Is that a promise?" Genma asked, unconcerned.

"I will get these ropes untied eventually. And then you'll be sorry... Unless you give me a little coffee. I'll forgive you both for just a little cup. A sip. Even the scent. The sweet scent of a fresh brewed cup." their captives eyes turned onward, to a happy place that had abandoned him. "Please-please-ease-please-please!"

"You two are meaner than I could be." This was a comment from Raidou, who had come to visit Genma after his mission was over. He hadn't expected to find his best friend engaged in some sort of bondage ritual with Kotetsu (who he had thought firmly attached to Izumo, though neither admitted it) and Iruka, who he had to take a moment to remember. The brunette Chuunin had spent very little time in Konoha in the past few years, only a few weeks between the long-term infiltrations assigned to him. When he was home, Iruka tended to disappear into the archives for long periods. Raidou had heard rumors that large forbidden sections of said archives had once been the contents of the Umino family library.

"It's for his own good." Kotetsu was lying on the couch across from the chair Iruka was forcibly occupying, looking quite in need of coffee himself.

"Yeah." Raidou smiled at the trapped Chuunin, "Remember, Iruka-san, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger."

"Or homicidal." Genma added.

"Or homicidal." Iruka agreed for the first time all evening.

**The Third Night:**

"So, he's stopped demanding coffee?" the third Hokage asked quietly, not wanting to wake the sleeping Iruka. The well-tanned Chuunin was curled into a near fetal position, clutching a body pillow to himself with an iron grip.

"Yeah, he stopped this evening, and then just fell asleep like that. I've tried to make him more comfortable, but he keeps bunching himself up." Genma sighed. He and Kotetsu had begun taking shifts after the second night, since Iruka was apparently in the habit of not sleeping for days, even without his coffee crutch.

The village leader stepped closer, gently touching the loose brown hair. "He used to be such a trouble-maker. It pains me to see him so... serious."

Genma sighed, "Then perhaps Ibiki was not the best choice for therapist?"

The smile, had it been worn by anyone else, would have warned Genma. It was a smile that radiated innocence far to brightly, trying to hide the wicked glee of an evil mind behind the brilliance of a halo. But it was the Hokage, the very definition of proper decorum, who was not just an adult, but a senior citizen... though a damn fine shinobi still, of course. "Perhaps you're right, Genma-san. I should have found someone more relaxed to help him re-adjust to normal life." the smile had, if anything, increased in intensity, the wrinkles around the old man's eyes were at full crinkle, his pupils barely visible. "I'm sure you'll make a much better example."

"I'm honored, Hokage-sama, but..."

"Or perhaps I should ask Kakashi. He's also very laid back." the Hokage had to fight to keep the grin off his face. Iruka's crush on the silver-haired copy-nin was long established, and a very sore point with all of his friends. The very mention of Kakashi sent them all into possessive-protective mode faster than a dog could bark.

"I really am honored, Hokage-sama, that you would trust me to help Iruka in his time of need. There's no need to trouble Kakashi-san."

"I'm glad to see that your loyalty to old friends remains strong."

"Uh-huh."

**The Fourth Night...**

"Genma! You were supposed to be watching him!"

"I was! I just went into the kitchen to talk with Raidou without waking him up."

"Sure." Kotetsu looked critically at the discarded ropes, the neatly unraveled seal and wards on the door, the Iruka-less couch. "You and Raidou."

"It's not like that, not with us. Come on, we need to find Iruka before he finds coffee."

"He'll overdose if we let him."

"And that is a very scary thought..."

Elsewhere, Morino Ibiki was locking the door to his office with a sigh. With Iruka kidnapped by two angry anti-coffee crusaders, the paperwork just piled up, keeping him chained to his desk for hours. Contrary to popular belief, there was only so many prisoners and genin-testing-for-Chuunin to keep a torturer occupied, so he had many other jobs... and the paperwork to prove it. He'd been working since shortly after dawn, and it was very late. The coffee had stopped helping half an hour ago, and he'd decided to call it a night.

A few steps down the hall he stopped, his senses pinging 'danger' just a moment too late.

"Heh!"

Ibiki realized that someone was above him only as the bucket of warm liquid hit, dousing him with something thicker than water but thinner than honey... paint, maybe? But it was clear, and more viscous. He wiped it away from his mouth quickly, in case it was toxic. While his brain dithered, his instincts sent him in pursuit of his attacker.

A slow pursuit. For some reason he wasn't moving quickly. In fact he wasn't moving at all.

"Glue." Quick-setting glue, kept warm by his attacker's chakra, then forced to cool and set quickly. He tried to summon his chakra to the surface of his skin, only to realize that he could not. He used what little mobility he had left to peer down at his chest, where he found a quite complex looking ward designed to prevent any sort of heat-based chakra manipulation. Not a seal, just a ward on anything heat related. Again his tired mind dwelt on the details, leaving his instincts to try and save him.

Too Late, again.

**...a little later...**

"Iruka, put that down and let's go home." Genma blinked, then corrected himself, "I mean, put him down. This is getting old."

"I think this is the best idea he's had in a while." Raidou pointed out.

"Using Ibiki as a human shield is not a good idea." Kotetsu disagreed.

"Working so far!" Iruka smirked, shoving the stiff special-jounin between himself and the mud trap Raidou had summoned. Poor Ibiki was covered in mud, deflected weaponry, loose feathers from the seagull summon trick, and a light coating of flour and cinnamon, but that was just because Iruka had tried to escape through a bakery a few minutes ago. He'd been used as a kawarimi target, a shield, and a weapon by the coffee-loving Chuunin in the past twenty minutes of running battle, and feeling more battered than he had on his last several A-rank missions.

"You three are so pathetic." A new voice broke into the conversation.

"Izumo! You're back!" Kotetsu smiled despite himself. His best friend was back from the two-week mission he'd taken as a backup to a genin team, all was well with the world.

"You weren't at home, so I asked the Hokage what was going on." Izumo reached into his pack and pulled out a small thermos. "Iruka, coffee?"

"Izumo! Why do you always have to ruin my fun!" Iruka whined, pulling the seal from Ibiki's battered and coated shirt, leaving the interrogation specialist to free himself. "No, I don't want any of your coffee."

"What??!" three voices rang as one.

"I'm a little tired, and that stuff keeps me up all night."

* * *

Author Note: So much for a short one-shot, ne? The damn thing just would not end when I told it to. Down plot-bunny! Sit! Stay! Also sorry about the stupid last line, but it's the best I can do at the moment. Maybe I'll come back later and make it better, maybe I won't. Bleh! 


	2. Shh! the Story never told

Paperwork Memories : The Greatest Story Never Told

Pseudo-oneshot number two... taking place something like two years after Memories of Caffeine. This is as much an attempt to nail down the voices of the four people involved as for the content. Izumo and his one liners, Kotetsu's theatrics, and Hayate's wounded dignity.

The mission described was one of the first scenarios I imagined when I was conceiving of the 'Perfect Henge', and I planned to write about it. Ultimately I decided it makes a better story for Kotetsu to tell then it would a fanfic. Fewer original characters to deal with, etc.

As always, comments and suggestions are welcomed. I _will_ update Day in the Life soon. The characters are misbehaving and must be brought to heel.

* * *

The Greatest Story Never Told... In Public. 

Part One: The Story...

-----

"Keep it down. We shouldn't even be telling you this, but..." Izumo began.

"You're one of us now, and it's only right that we should get this into the open." Kotetsu continued.

"We've never told anyone else. The Hokage and Ibiki know, but only them."

"You can't ever tell anyone else. Cause if word gets back to _him_, we'll all wish we were dead."

"Just trust us, you don't want him mad at you." Raidou agreed.

"Ever." Izumo put in.

"Even a little." Hayate nodded, a bit exasperated at the excessive warnings. It wasn't as if he didn't know Iruka's reputation for temper tantrums and tricks. "I know. I've seen him prank people before."

"And don't tell Genma, either. At least not directly." Izumo said, "He knows, but he'll tell Iruka, and than the carnage will begin."

"Understood. Genma is infatuated, Iruka is clueless. I know, I know."

"It's more complicated than that, you see-"

Iruka's long-time friend was cut off. "Some other time, Kotetsu. Right now we have to tell him about the Lightning Mission." Raidou brought them back to the point.

"Yes, the mission to Lightning country you've been whispering about all night." Hayate took another sip of tea. He, Raidou, Kotetsu and Izumo sat around a large round table in the center of the archives under the Hokage's tower. The remains of a poker game and several rounds of beer and sake lay on the table like the victims of a sneak attack, with a large pot of herbal anti-hangover tea presiding victoriously over the field of battle.

"You know that Iruka is the Hokage's body-double now, don't you?" Kotetsu asked, stirring the tea in his cup with his thumb.

"Of course. I was informed when the decision was made." Hayate looked annoyed.

"Ever wonder how he does it?"

Two eyes rolled roof-ward. "I assume he uses a Henge to transform himself into the Hokage, acts the part, and his bodyguards are in on the deception so they don't become suspicious by discrepancies."

"They didn't tell you, did they?" Kotetsu whistled, "That is some powerful need-to-know. Should we even be telling him?"

"Probably just another of the Hokage's pranks, to see how long it takes him to figure it out." Izumo took another sip of his coffee, having disdained all alcohol and tea in favor of his chosen addiction.

"Should we interfere with that?" Raidou asked.

"Hokage's not so touchy about his pranks being revealed as Iruka. Should be safe so long as Hayate doesn't visibly catch on too quick." the caffeine addict reassured the bigger man.

Two coughs reminded them the subject of their discussion was still present, "What are you three going on about?" Hayate demanded, looking from one to the next suspiciously.

"Well, your basic theory is ok, but the bodyguards don't always know." Kotetsu explained, "Iruka's Henge is perfect. Even the Hokage's bodyguards can't tell them apart once he's changed."

"But the Henge chakra traces would give-"

"There are no chakra traces. Once he Henges, he stays that way until he choses to switch back, and there are no traces of a jutsu, illusion, or anything." Kotetsu continued.

"But his chakra signature would-"

"Appear exactly as the Hokage's does." Izumo smiled. "Not even Kage level ninja can detect the alterations, despite..." he paused for effect, "long, thorough, and personal examinations of the results."

"How-"

"Was that a Genma line? That sure sounds like a Genma line." Raidou interrupted, surprising Izumo, who smiled.

"Yeah. But it's a line worth stealing, don't you think?"

"Sure. But I knew that wasn't you."

"How does he do it?!" Hayate was tired of being ignored.

"Damned if we know." Kotetsu poured another cup of tea. "Izumo has gone through the jutsu scrolls, but he says it takes a level of chakra manipulation he doesn't have. Which means the rest of us don't have a chance in hell of replicating it. I have seen it though. Takes half an hour to set up the runes, then he goes through a bunch of special seals and shifts. No smoke or anything, he shrinks down slow, like his bones are reshaping themselves. And it hurts a lot while he's shifting, you can tell be the look on his face, but only for a moment. 'Cause then you've got two Hokages standing next to each other, pleased as punch. Then the Hokage turns into Iruka and it's merry hell keeping up for the rest of the day."

"There's a rejuvenation jutsu included in the scrolls." Izumo added helpfully, "The same one he uses on us sometimes when we have to play with Ibiki."

"_That_ is a useful jutsu." Raidou dropped his hand to the table to emphasize his words.

"What does this have to do with Lightning country?" Hayate growled.

"The other Kage, of course." Kotetsu grinned.

"Iruka replaced the Raikage??!"

"No, of course not. How hard would that be, considering the amount of background he didn't have? Don't be silly."

"He was the Raikage-in-training's lady love." Izumo giggled.

Tea spurted from Hayate's mouth towards Raidou, who blocked with the empty beer case, "What?"

"Miss Iria Ameno, a young lady of great virtue and strong will, was rescued from vile kidnappers by the Raikage's apprentice, Tenkumo Kota, and his team, then taken back to Lightning with him along with the other kidnapped girls. Alas, she had no family to ransom her, and the Raikage's apprentice was quite taken with her, so she was allowed to stay in the nearby village for several months. Miss Ameno ran away after the Tenkumo proposed marriage, claiming that she couldn't bear the thought of marrying him, knowing that one day he would go on a mission and never come back." Kotetsu spoke the tale in a tone of sadness underlined with suppressed mirth.

Hayate was not amused. He realized that this was yet another one of the groups' many, many jokes at their newest member's expense, "Very funny. Did you get Jiraiya to write that for you? What happened to the sex scenes?"

"Iruka glossed over them. He's still a bit prudish, despite the company he keeps."

"There is no way that a mission like that would be approved. It's too unlikely! How could he have made sure that this Tenkumo took him back to lightning? There's no reason for them to do so, and if he got found out he'd be killed for sure. There is no way the Hokage would have authorized such a mission." Hayate declared

"Of course he didn't. But improvisation was called for."

"Explain. And try to make it more plausible than that... fantasy you just told me."

"Tough crowd tonight." Izumo deadpanned.

"Picky, picky." Kotetsu humphed, "Fine, the whole story. It started out as a fairly straightforward short term mission. A bunch of sand and grass missing-nin had been kidnapping girls and ransoming them for quick cash. Konoha was hired by two of the families to get their daughters back. So Iruka infiltrated a caravan we were expecting them to attack, mostly because Genma said that he couldn't keep the girly act up for more than a day."

Hayate gave the trio a penetrating look. "Another Challenge? Can any of you even resist a bet? You're as bad as Tsunade the Sannin is said to be."

"When you're a teenager, turning down a challenge is impossible. Fortunately, Iruka will be twenty soon." Raidou smiled.

"As I was saying..." Kotetsu continued, "The other merchants ran away like they were told to, and 'Iria' and three other girls were grabbed. The plan was for the rest of Iruka's team to track the kidnappers back to their lair for a daring rescue. But the Cloud ninja attacked while they were in transit, captured the girls and all but one of the missing nin. Genma's team grabbed the one who tried to run, and they got back to the lair first. They rescued the girls from Fire and Grass, let the Cloud ninja have the girls from Lightning and Rice Field Countries, and it was a good day for inter-village cooperation. Except that Iria's cover story had her as a Lightning native, and she'd been knocked unconscious during the ambush on the road. So they took her with them."

"Almost plausible." Hayate allowed, still skeptical.

"When he didn't show up within a few weeks the Hokage got worried. But they'd run into Jiraiya on the road and he passed word that 'Iria' was ok. Iruka re-wrote his mission orders, found a way to make periodic coded reports, and ended up staying for nearly four months before he ran away."

"I still don't believe you."

"You can ask the Hokage, or Jiraiya! He used the basic situation for one of his books. Except that the girl was actually a girl and they got together in the end, after several kidnapping and rescue sequences."

"With lots of reunion sex, of course." Izumo put in before Hayate's inevitable retort.

"_That_ I can believe"

"So we'll start with what you do believe" Kotetsu picked up a pile of chips, placing one on the table in front of Hayate. "Do you believe that the original mission is plausible?"

Hayate took the chip. "Infiltrating the caravan to get close to the kidnappers makes sense, so yes."

Raidou tossed in two chips, "Genma doesn't want to be the one under-cover as a helpless target. He makes the bet with Iruka, who accepts."

Click, click. "Agreed."

A fourth chip was tossed at Hayate; he deflected it back to the table top. Izumo dug it out of the table top as he spoke, "Iruka can maintain his Henge when asleep or unconscious. You'll have to take our word for it, but that much is true, I swear."

Izumo's chip joined the first three, though with obvious reluctance on Hayate's part.

Raidou again, "The ninja from cloud use that sleeping mist they're so fond of to prevent the girls from being hurt. Iruka is hit with a stronger than normal dose, since he was struggling with one of his captors at the time."

Five chips in the stack, and an inarticulate grunt.

"And you believe that Iruka would alter his mission orders?" Kotetsu smiled, spinning his chip between thumb and forefinger.

"I overheard the Hokage telling him that his mission orders were 'not just a starting point, but a full and complete list of his assigned tasks.' I assume that there was ample justification for him to say that."

"And he is the specialist in long-term infiltrations, isn't he?" the spike-haired chuunin added another chip to the stack.

"That is what it says on the paperwork nominating him for the rank of Special Jounin."

"Thus proving that piece of paperwork served some purpose other than killing a tree." Izumo sighed into his coffee cup. "Since Iruka will never accept it."

"Hmm?"

"Iruka refuses to become a Jounin for reasons too complicated and weird to go into without him present." Kotetsu shook his head ruefully, "And if he were, this discussion would not be taking place, as we would all be suffering an indignity equal to his. So, what about our story remains implausible?"

"The part where the Raikage's apprentice falls in love with Iruka and proposes in the course of four months, having never realized that Iruka is in fact male."

"What evidence would you accept?" Raidou asked, as ever the voice of reason.

"Nothing you three could come up with."

"How about the ring?" Three confused looks converged upon Izumo, whose smile was very pleased in addition to mischievous.

"Ring?"

* * *

Next time... the quest to retrieve the ring, Iruka's box of keepsakes, and Genma's Love life. Another sign that it is two a.m. and the plot bunny is chewing my leg off. 


	3. Searching for the Ring of Truth

_**Paperwork Ninja Memories: **_

_The Greatest Story Never Told:_

_Part 2: The Search_

* * *

_**Last time...** _

_"So, what about our story remains implausible?" _

_"The part where the Raikage's apprentice falls in love with Iruka and proposes in the course of four months, having never realized that Iruka is in fact male." _

_"What evidence would you accept?" Raidou asked, as ever the voice of reason. _

_"Nothing you three could come up with." _

_"How about the ring?" Three confused looks converged upon Izumo, whose smile was very pleased in addition to mischievous. _

_"Ring?"_

--------------------------

**_The next night_**

"As brilliant plans go, this one is positively dim."

"I don't see the honored special jounin making any better suggestions." Kotetsu snapped back at Hayate.

"Yet, the elegance of stupidity is an ever wondrous thing." Hayate kept himself from yawning. Compared to the stake-outs he engaged in on missions, this was nothing. "You're certain the traps will respond?"

"Yes." Kotetsu whispered, exasperated. Hayate was a worrier by nature, so he prepared to explain the only thing that made their plan feasible for the third time, "Raidou and Izumo are inviting them to go drinking. Stinking drunk Iruka doesn't have the chakra control to stand-down his traps when they're in Paranoid Ibiki mode, which has led to him sleeping on the stoop at least twice. So he created a simpler way to control the traps that he can do while somewhat drunk. He then taught the rest of us how to do it in case he gets too drunk to stand upright and we want to drag him home without getting skewered."

"Skewered?" though Kotetsu couldn't see the sickly jounin's face, he could hear the lifted eyebrow.

"One of Ibiki's less impressive scars was earned while invading Iruka's apartment uninvited."

"Just like we're planning to do?"

"Shut up, here they come." the pair clung to the side of Iruka's apartment building, hidden behind some architectural fripperies several decades out of date. They could just make out the forms of Izumo, Iruka, and Genma walking away from Iruka's apartment door, the latter two pulling on their jackets as they hurried into the night.

They waited several more moments before moving around the side of the building to the door. De-activating the traps could technically be done from a window, but Kotetsu felt the door would be a safer bet in case of a misfire. The incident with the Hidden Scout Cookie Sellers had proved the traps on the door were merely designed to immobilize, not kill (1).

A few moments later the pair was inside Iruka's apartment, the exterior traps inactive for the time being. Now they had to find the box Izumo had described and the ring within.

"Why is Genma living here again? Doesn't he have an apartment?" Gekko kicked a pile of the senbon-sucker's laundry away from the hallway closet door.

"Destroyed in that explosion last week."

Hayate nodded, then stopped as a memory floated up, "Wait, wasn't his apartment in that building they condemned and destroyed early last year?"

"Yep. The apartment before that was involved in the mutant bug infestation that took the Aburame a month to clean up. He roomed with Raidou for a while before they decided too much proximity was destroying their friendship. Before the bugs it was hallucinagenic mold, and before that in another building he had neighbors that kept having marital problems and blowing holes in the walls."

Kotetsu felt the eyes staring at him, incredulous. He continued looking through the desk, forcing his partner in crime to say something. Which Hayate did, "And before that?"

"He used to live at the edge of the Uchiha district. Pretty much the whole building moved closer to town after the tragedy."

"Ah."

"Before that it was an electrical fire." Kotetsu closed the last desk drawer, waiting with a patience that would have surprised most of those who knew him.

"...What?"

"Genma has bad housing karma. Anko thinks he must have been an arsonist in his last life. Raidou says it's because he ate the offering at the Shrine of the Kitchen Gods on a mission when they were genin. Either way, he's semi-nomadic, freeloading as often as not."

"Mmmm." Once again Hayate had the distinct feeling that he was being made fun of, yet couldn't disprove the wild claims Kotetsu was making. He decided to check himself the next day, returning his attention to the search. He hadn't found anything interesting in this closet. He moved down the hall to the master bedroom, followed by the equally unsuccessful chuunin story-teller.

----------------

**_Not far away_**

The bar was filled with smoke (both tobacco and chakra based), singing, and drunk ninja. The drunk ninja were providing the singing, or perhaps the singing was driving the ninja to drink; it's hard to tell at Kirara's on Karaoke night. Raidou, Genma and Izumo sat around one of the tables not far from the stage, as the booths had been taken by early arrivals with 'table in dark corner' complexes common in hidden villages and fantasy RPGs.

"Rai-rai," Genma slurred in the general direction of his less but still fairly drunk best friend, "Why did'ja really invite me an' Iruru to go drinkin'? Isnot like you."

"'Cause anybody needs a drink after the first week of you freeloading. Poor Rukaaaaa."

"Isnot that bad. He still likes me." Genma sniffed

"More than you deserve to be liked, you freeloader."

"Sh! Iruka's singing." Izumo poked Genma with the little umbrella he'd received with his drink.

"Hey!"

Onstage, the brown-haired, slightly inebriated chuunin regarded the microphone suspiciously for a moment, sighted down it's length at the lyrics screen, then nodded to the sound man. Music began to play and Iruka nodded happily. The bar quieted slightly when he began to sing, and grew softer still by the first chorus. Unlike many of the ninja in Konoha, Iruka could sing.

"Why're we here?" Genma asked again.

"To let Iruka sing. You know he won't unless he's drunk." Raidou replied warily.

"Try ag'n."

"You're cute when drunk?"

"No. Yes, but... no." Genma shot him a suspicious look, as if Raidou were solely responsible for the nonfunctioning of his brain (2). "No. That's not why."

"You need an alibi for tonight."

"I do?" the suspicion doubled, but the confusion was not far behind in increase. "Why Here?"

"Because even Ibiki will have to accept the word of this many ninja, especially if Iruka is obviously here, too."

"Ah."

This line of logic somehow made sense to Genma. He was going to ask about the late Kotetsu when he was interrupted by a sudden increase of shouts, cat-calls, and clapping. Up on stage, Iruka was dancing. His drunkenness showed as he swayed in time to the funky beat, yet somehow made the movements flirty at the same time. The dance suited the song well, even if it involved considerably more hip movement than most men would have used.

"Where did Iruru learn to dance like that?" Izumo wanted to know.

"Grass country." Genma supplied, his eyes never leaving Iruka's slowly gyrating form.

"Do you wanna?" Iruka sang, utterly oblivious to the crowd's reaction, "Do ya, do ya, do ya wanna go?"

"Hell yeah." Genma sighed.

------------------

_The searchers_

"Found it."

Kotetsu looked over from his search of the dresser drawers in time to see Hayate pull the box free of the closet. It was a light wooden box about eight inches on a side and five high, with a lid that fit snugly over the top. The lid was decorated with a wood-burned geometric peacock half covered by a label that read "For Keeping. Relics of Other Selves."

-----------------------

1 Hidden Scout Cookie Seller Incident: Three ten year olds, lightly singed and coated in brightly glowing paint, suspended from ankle traps. Fortunately, the shrieks had alerted Iruka to the problem before the fascination with hanging upside down from the ceiling wore off. Calming their hysterical laughter had taken longer than freeing them, and Iruka's purchase of 17 boxes of cookies had secured him a place in the troops' hearts and customer list for many years to come. Though they would make a point to hit him up on his way to the mission room.

2 Which, if buying the first two rounds counts, he was. But that's beside the point.


	4. Box of Memories

Paperwork Memories 4

The Ring!

--------------------------------

There was a note attached to the lid which came free easily when Kotetsu touched it. It reads as follows:

_Genma, Kotetsu, or Izumo; _

_Or, Whom it may concern; _

_If you're reading this, you're probably snooping and had better hope I never find out about it. _

_The things in this box must seem a curious collection even to my best friends. Some you may recognize, while others I've never spoken of. These are the relics of other lives I have lived. I've lived and died many times, each new person forming around me like a mask, a disguise of flesh and memories I mold into the shape I desire. When that mission is over I will shed that person like a bird sheds its feathers, that person I wrapped around myself will 'die', and I will emerge again as Iruka. _

_These are the relics left behind with each little death. _

_Each of these people has a piece of myself in them. Like mirrors placed at angles, the reflections are skewed, but revealing. Each is either a little wish fulfilled or a nightmare given life. _

_Which is why if I'm still alive, you had better hope I never find out you're snooping. If I'm dead, I hope it will help you write a proper eulogy. I am to be teacher and a paperwork ninja now, but I have been many, many other things. I don't want that part of my life to be forgotten, even if it has always been a secret. _

_Remember me, _

_Iruka _

_P.S. Remember, unless you've seen and/or burned my body for yourself, it's best to assume I'm not dead until a year has passed. A repeat of the Aomori incident would be really embarrassing for everyone. _

Kotetsu looked up from reading the note, trying to gauge Hayate's reaction, but the other ninja's face was impassive. "Maybe we should just leave it here?"

"No, we should take it with us, like we planned." Hayate's voice was subdued, even for him. "We can bring it back in a few days. As far back in the closet as it was, I doubt he checks it very often."

"Alright, let's go meet the others."

---------------------

So once again the four intrepid paperwork ninja found themselves in the exceedingly well-protected safety of the Archives, gathered around a card table heavily loaded with tea and coffee. Genma had apologized to Raidou for cutting out early, dragging the drunkenly affectionate Iruka with him. It could be safely assumed that Genma would find other ways of having a good time that night, and that Iruka would be more than distracted from any impulses to check on his precious box.

Kotetsu had declared himself keeper of the box, but had offered no resistance when Izumo took it from him. He was distracted. Hayate coughed to interrupt the impromptu make-out session, and Izumo sat back in his own seat, opening and reading the note aloud for his and Raidou's benefit.

"What was the Aomori incident?" Hayate asked when he was finished.

"He didn't report for over three months after a mission to Aomori in Water Country went wrong." Kotetsu answered first, "Everyone assumed he was dead. We had a memorial service, his possessions were split up according to his will, his file was deactivated, everything. Then, two months after he's officially 'dead', he comes strolling back in via Wind Country."

Kotetsu's voice held a strange combination of humor and bitterness, Hayate thought. _He was happy that Iruka was back, but there was something about it that he didn't like?_

Izumo continued the explanation, quite as if he could read Hayate's thoughts from his face. "Iruka had stumbled onto a piracy ring after fleeing Aomori and spent several months learning the ins and outs of the pirates' financing and fencing operations. He traded the information on the pirates to Sunagakure in exchange for a fast escort to the border of Fire." the caffeine addict paused, considering his next words. "Everyone was glad he came back safely, but it was awkward. Iruka didn't realize how hard it was for his friends who thought he was dead to accept that he was alive. He didn't think that anyone would be worried when he didn't come back right away and there was no contact."

"He could have made contact, just to let us know he was alive." Kotetsu almost hissed. He ignored the looks his tone drew, taking a long gulp from his tea cup.

"He learned. He never did it again." Raidou said soothingly, "He still has the scar to remind him, right? Right."

Hayate considered the question that floated into his mind, but the continued grimace from Kotetsu and Raidou's sudden dive for the box forestalled him. He could always check scars next time they went to the baths.

"Look, a Ring!" the usually quiet bodyguard pulled out a small pile of envelopes tied with a purple ribbon, and indeed, there was a diamond ring tied to the end of said ribbon.

Hayate snatched, barely beating Kotetsu and Izumo to the packet. He slapped a reaching hand aside, then sat back in his chair. After a long moment checking for traps on the ribbon he untied the ring from the end to examine it more closely, dropping the envelopes into Izumo's waiting hands. It was a nice ring, though Hayate was no expert. He used the stone to scratch one of his kunai experimentally, and yes, it did seem to be real diamond. The band was plain on the outside, but there appeared to be engraving on the interior, "For my beautiful Iria, love Tenkumo." he read aloud, looking up at the others.

"So the Raikage-to-be is sentimental." Raidou smiled indulgently.

"The Raikage-to-be is a Sap!" Kotetsu countered with a badly suppressed laugh, "Listen to this; 'It may be my love,/ that before I saw your smile/ I had seen nothing./ Since,/ I've seen nothing else. I'm afraid none of my belabored poetry is equal to your natural eloquence, a man can but try.' These are love letters! With bad poetry!"

"'Last night I dreamt of you, but it was not as sweet as our last picnic. Your mouth captivates me, but it your blush that slays me, my love. But I must end for a time, soon it will be my watch.'" Izumo managed to get out before collapsing into a fit of giggles.

"Let me see, let me see!" Raidou picked up one of the unread letters, quickly scanning the immaculate calligraphy. "Oooooh! This one is from Iria herself."

"Read! Read! Read!" the others chanted together.

"Ahem, 'Tenkumo-kun, you're back!'" Raidou felt obligated to increase the enthusiasm and raise the pitch of his voice as he continued, and the others were all leaning forward, hanging on each word, "'I heard that you had to go on another mission with that bastard Kondo, but please don't bring him with you when you come to see me. I still owe him for last time, and though I'm looking forward to ramming my hand down his throat, rummaging around until I find something interesting and ripping it out, I don't want your first night back to be quite so violent. Send me a bird when you get back. Sweet, Iria.'"

Silence ruled the table.

"Does anyone else get an 'I'm channeling playful Ibiki' vibe from that?" Kotetsu asked after a moment.

"...eh. Something like that." Raidou hazarded, quickly reading the reply written on the back. "And he ate it up. Even calls her 'my violent cupcake' in the reply."

Hayate coughed softly, "So, the eloquence he talked about was..."

"Threats." Kotetsu pressed one palm against his brow and shook his head.

"-And sarcasm." Izumo added, "Oh, and probably dirty limericks."

"Learned from Anko, no doubt."

"And Hizashi, the only Hyuuga in history to have a sense of humor." Raidou said, raising his tea cup in salute to the dead man. The others clinked their cups with his and they all took a long drink.

"So Iruka's female alter-ego is the unholy of mating of Anko's so-called sense of humor and Inoichi(1)'s ikebana lessons?" Kotetsu said after the toast.

"Inoichi's ikebana?" Izumo asked.

"The paper is from the flower shop Iria worked for."

"Pretty flowers." Izumo looked at the letterhead from the revealing distance of half a centimeter. "The new Raikage is one strange cookie."

"Forget the Raikage, Iruka is one strange cookie! No, he's one cookie short of a tin." Kotetsu rested his head on the table. "He said in his note that these personas were wish fulfillment or nightmares. So what was Iria? Iruka wants to be Anko? Does he have nightmares of turning into Ibiki? Or what?"

"A little bit of both, maybe." Hayate poured himself another cup of tea. "Anko has no shame and Ibiki takes no crap from anyone. That would be liberating, to be able to say whatever you want and that be normal for you."

"The idea of Iruka as a repressed soul is both amusing _and_ alarming." a new voice entered the conversation. "I mean, what if he explosively de-represses?"

"Mayhem in the mission room." Raidou replied, the least surprised of the gathered sneaks, "Evening over already, Genma?"

"Yeah. Crying brats are a real mood killer." the special jounin took a beer from the cooler on the floor, popping it open with a practiced senbon lever motion. "Neighbors get drunk, scream at each other, then pass out; their children huddle outside Iruka's door. He does that instant-sober trick of his and makes them hot chocolate. Cute, but not sexy." he chugged about half the bottle, then sighed in contentment.

"I'm trying to imagine Anko making hot chocolate for a bunch of crying kids." Izumo said after a second. The others turned to look at him. "Then she tells them 'quit crying, it'll heal'."

Even Hayate had to laugh at that image.

Once it subsided Genma asked, "Why are we comparing Iruka to Anko?" Raidou tossed him the offending letter. He recognised the box and blinked. "What? You guys stole his secret box? He is so going to kill you."

"Blame Hayate." Kotetsu dripped innocence all over the table. "He didn't believe us about Iria-chan."

"Well, Jiraiya did make it into a book; being the basis of an Icha-Icha novel moves any story about seventeen notches down the plausibility scale, I'd say." Genma said. "And even though he swears he'll never, ever read it, Iruka still has that special edition copy Jiraiya sent him in his closet along with the others."

"Others?" Raidou prodded his friend.

"You'll have to ask him." Genma said. "So, you believe now?" he asked Hayate.

"I guess I must." the swordsman said reluctantly.

"Good. You should trust a little more, you know?" then he waved his hands vaguely at the box. "Anything else interesting in there?"

Kotetsu and Izumo took turns removing items from the box and passing them around for examination. There were several rocks of different types, sea shells, two dried chili peppers, a hand-grinder for coffee, and a small stack of papers.

"Sushi stand menu and recipes." Kotetsu reported.

"That's probably from when he was in water country not too long ago." Raidou said.

"He couldn't look a fish in the face without cackling like a nut." Genma laughed. "I remember that."

"Yeah, that's part of why he has to stay in the village for a while." Kotetsu said, "Cackling is reserved for Jounin; Chuunin have to stay at least mostly sane."

"Sane... right."

End! Because Otherwise it will go on forever!

-------------------

(1) for those who don't keep track of these things, Inoichi is Ino's father. ^_^


End file.
